beginning of a New Year...

...means reflection upon the past year. We look back and think of all of our accomplishments as well as our failures. What worked, what did not. In reflecting upon the course of events and our actions it keeps things in persepective.

At first, I thought it was just me about this new guy I am working for. Completely avoids me when I walk into the office he leaves the building; does not reply to my emails and has requested I not text him. Ok... so how do I do I get clarification when there is no means of communication. I go in do my work, the work he has left for me. At first he would ask me to type memos and even a few letters; then it stopped. So I have been working on the files and now I have been asked to take on some of another person's work due to personal issues. Fine, no problem. I found out that he was trying to get his wife's friend the position I had. Then everything made sense. He was trying to push me out.

I finally had enough of his nonsense and left him a lump of coal and a letter explaining to him why he was given a lump of coal. Needless to say, he was not happy. Now he's going to try to get me fired, which, he can not do because he did not hire me. Whatever.... I also found out that he was planning on making things so difficult I would quit by January. I found this out after I wrote the letter.

Thankfully, those who hired me know he is a difficult person to begin with. His desire to have me reomoved just might be his undoing... so in retrospect I am glad I wrote the letter as my woman's intutition was right on the mark. He takes his position on January 5th. We will see who is still standing. And if it's not me, that's fine too.

Going back...

I know, it sounds so contradictary but I am going back to something I have not done in over 20 years. I went back to dancing! I started dancing like most 5 year olds did, tap and ballet. I danced until I was about 17 or so. I really wanted to do pointe (dance on toe) but I was told I didn't have the foot structure (flat footed) so my dreams were dashed. I instead, focused on tap and danced competitively for a few years. I was told I was too short to dance on Broadway, so I gave up. Along came Paula Abdul, a petite power house who could dance!

Family came along and my dreams of dancing fell to the wayside. For the longest time, I have wanted to get back into dancing again. No time, no money... were my excuses. I finally broke down and signed up for my first class in over 20 years! I decided to go back to ballet because I can slowly ease into it.

I am in a class with two other ladies about my age. I had my doubts because I am about 40 lbs over weight and not as graceful as I used to be. The ladies I am with were pretty good and there I was trying to do bar work (yea, can you "see" this short gal with her leg on the TOP bar). I was pleasantly surprised that I did remember a lot of the foot work and the various positions for my hands. Then came the floor work! Oh man, I had to do turns down the floor to the right and return! Talk about dizzy! I had commented that I do not remember ballet being THIS difficult!

My nearest and dearest know, except my oldest and my husband. I don't want him to make me feel like a fool going out and doing what in my heart, I have missed the most. My mom knows but I did not tell her the name of the school for fear she'll poke her face in the window to watch! Not yet, I am not ready for that! That will have to wait until June when I have my RECITAL!! I am not kidding! So we shall see...

After my first class, I came home feeling exhiliarated! My body tingled like life was slowly coming back to me. I can not wait until my next week when I get to go back and try to recapture a small piece of my youth. A piece that when I danced, made me feel my best.

Great South Bay

I took this picture about 3 years ago on a chartered fishing boat. I just love the houses...

Last day...

tomorrow will be the last day of walking into the place that for 10 yrs I have called my "happy place". Making the decission to leave, I know, is what is best right now. There is no room for growth and to be honest, I really could be utilized to do so much more.

I spent last night unable to sleep. Believe it or not, I cried myself to sleep just thinking of the people I have worked with. When I try to explain to my husband why I stayed as long as I have; he thinks it was to spite him and to some extent it was but it was more than that. I had a group of people who though they busted my shoes, made me feel as though I mattered. I had gone into get "help" and after I told the counselor some of what happened in my life, she looked at me open mouthed and said "How did you get through all that?!" I smiled and said, "I get by with a little help from my friends." I have about 5 really good friends, that I would look to for guidance. I see them more as brothers than anything else.

What will I miss the most? Probably the comraderie that these guys have to given me these past years. I always knew who I could turn to and they in turn knew if they needed something done, if I could do it, I would make it happen. What will I miss the least? The stress that I would put upon myself because I felt like I was constantly under the microscope.

A collegue once made an observation and told me that I seemed to be an "angry" person... which surprised me because I generally consider myself to be on the "happy" side. It made me think about what it was that made me feel as I did... after thinking about it, I realized it was my "happy place". These past few months made me realize that other than leaving, there was nothing I could change to make the situation better; so the decission to leave was made.

Over these past months, my hours had been pared back, so the act of "leaving" I think I will be ok with... it's just the fact that I will have to find another "Happy place". Perhaps when my husband finishes our bedroom, I think I will be able to call it my happy place.

What is it about a name?

When you meet someone, you always ask their name.... when I am asked, I generally reply "Pam, like the cooking spray!" People think about it and smile... then I add, "Though 'Pam' is great for cooking, I hate to cook! I prefer to bake! " Which gets a few chuckles.

Today I did my "routine" and got the smiles and chuckles plus a bit more. Two of my new collegues commented how I "fit in" because I am just as corny as they are and I would fit in perfectly in their dysfunctional world to which I replied, "Hey, I put the "fun" in dysfunction!" Which added to the laughter.

I try my best to fit in, it's hard when you are the new person and everyone is so nice to you... eventually the "newness" will rub off and hopefully, I will fit in and everyone will remember my name not because of the corny jokes but because I work hard and try my best.

Because my name is everything to me.

Leadership...

... I signed my daughter up for Girl Scouts a few years ago to get her involved with other girls. She has two older brothers who are involved in Boy Scouts (one is an Eagle, the other aspires to be one). She really had no choice to but go to their meetings as I was a leader and sat on Committee.

She has enjoyed the program a great deal but this last year was a bit challenging for us both. Neither of us quite fit in the group... goes back to fitting in again... Though the leaders were very nice and inviting, it just hasn't worked. It was the little things that continued to arise that bothered me (lack of communication for one thing) and for her it was one particular little girl who made her life miserable. Plus they were more "girly" than she would like to be.

Lucky for me, I know the Service Unit Coordinator and I have shared my concerns with her. I told her it was what I was seeing, my daughter never complained. I asked her a few weeks ago, if she could change troops would she want to and said she did. My friend looking to "place us" mentioned how she had a bunch of "stragglers" girls who didn't "fit" into their troops.

My friend and I discussed the Webloes we had when we were Cub Scout leaders. We had another group merge with us, going from six boys to twelve. They attended three different elementary schools and best of all; we had Catholics, Jews, Hindi, Puerto Rican; kids who had learning issues as well as behavior issues! We were certainly an eclectic group!

After our walk down memory lane, she asked me, "Would you be a leader?" To which I told her if there was a need, I would step up. Girls are a tough bunch though but the nice part is again, I will have kids from three different schools so it will give the girls a chance to meet new friends (Oh I feel a Girls Scout song coming on!) and find their "niche" within this new group. Plus, in a few years these girls will be attending Middle School together which will make that transition easier for them as well.

Though I have been a leader in Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts is different. They have more paperwork than Boy Scouts does! I have spent my morning perusing the requirements as a leader... trying to plan what courses I need and how to start this new bunch off.

I have had so many "new" things occur this summer... to think it all started with a blog!

Fitting in...

I think it is ironic how somethings may change but they do not. In school we all tried to fit in and at some point in time, we stopped trying to fit in and were just "there". Does that make sense? We get out of school thankful to leave that part behind us only to join the work force and guess what? You have to try and fit in (again)....

Though the thought of it is sophomoric, I guess it is the reality of human nature. I am starting not one new job but TWO! This first one is in an office, mostly of men... which is fine but it's amazing how many feel the need to "fluff" their feathers to show how important they are (or think they are). It's amazing the power plays that go on...not just in this office but the one I am leaving as well. Being the new person, I am looking at the group dynamics with a different set of glasses.... I'm ever the peace maker but I think this is one pow wow I am going to sit out.

By profession, I am a teacher. Life there is "always good", which is the opposite of what I have been part of...so "adjusting" myself to fit in has been a challenge for me, since the world I had worked in (mostly male) have been direct and at times heated. Gear shifting has come as second nature but other people, do not "get" me. I have been told I am "brash" and "opinionated" which are "admirable" qualities in the "outside world".

So my question is this: In fitting in, how much of ourselves do we "change" to become "acceptable" to those around us? Why can't people just learn to be more acceptive of others around them? Funny thing is, as an educator, it is part of our "world" to be "acceptive" of others, as long as they are children... but to adults... it is a different story. Go figure.